Who cares about actually being fast when you can simply look the part and intimidate you’re opposition into submission with your overwhelming PRO and/or ELITEness.
Here’s a few pointers on pretending to look like you know what you’re doing at your next adventure race:
1. Matching outfits
In the real world partners who ware matching outfits are, (quite rightly) looked down on with scorn and contempt by the rest of humanity. Not so at adventure races; rocking up in a matching outfit will inspire nothing but TERROR in your fellow competitors.
2. PRO Logos
Make sure your matching outfits have LOTS of sponsor logos on, (even if they are not sponsoring you) – this will make it look like you are getting paid to be here and your opponents will think you’re a shoe-in for the podium and some Kathmandu vouchers.
3. No Kathmandu Gear
It doesn’t matter how many vouchers you win, never wear Kathmandu gear during a race. It’s cheap crap and about as far from PRO as you can get.
4. Ghetto Inner Tube on Seat Post
PROs don’t waste time saddle bags, pfffft. what you nuts? Just ghetto tape a spare tube to your seat post to make you look all kinds of hardcore.
5. Missing Checkpoints Intentionally
If you miss a checkpoint, NEVER… NEVER double back to get it! PROs don’t double back! What if someone sees! Just stride on, like missing it was intentional and you know something others don’t… they will think that because of your PRO logos.
So that’s it; follow the steps and you’ll be having people say, ‘Dam you guys look PRO’ and other such things. And when you don’t deliver the goods results wise, don’t worry – just blame it on a flat tire and/or dangerous wildlife attack.